Bye bye bye and that ain't no lie

I think the big tuna has made a call to Dwight Schrute to buy a ream of pink paper from Dunder Mifflin. He could of gone local, but Dwight provides incredible customer service, unlike some people in the 'Fins organization. He handed out his first one today when General Manager Randy Mueller as given a pink slip. Also included was the college scouting director and the assistant director of player personal. I do believe that there is another one with Cam's name on it, but Big Tuna is going to wait a while and see what happens. Either that or they haven't had the "meeting to discuss the future of the Dolphins and both parties mutually agreed to part ways...it was for the best" sit down that usually happens around mid Feb.

Marv Levey has left the Bills organization. This does not bode well for my drinking problems. Marv has what I like to call a brain. He uses it. Quite often in fact. Fred Smerlas said he was the smartest coach he's ever played for. I am of course paraphrasing this as I read Fred's biography in 5th grade for a book report (My diorama was a bunch of G.I. Joes in a shoe box depicting a sack by Fred of some random quarterback. I received a B+ for my efforts if I do recall) I digress. Marv, you will be missed. You have what Mr. Madden would call a "brain built for football". I don't know who the Bills will bring to the table (maybe someone from the Packers... they seem to know what they are doing). I hope that Ralph opens up his wallet and hires some talent in the office to obtain talent on the field. Unlike that cluster fuck that was Mike Mularky.

Don't forget that its socially acceptable to still be drunk at 1pm tomorrow when you turn on the t.v. for the Sabers v. Penguins game at the Ralph. 70,000 people can't be sober in this kinda weather and neither should you. So drink till 5 am if you have to so you can get 4 hours of the drunkest sleep you've ever had and sit on the couch drinking water from that glass you stole at the bar and eating crackers until the 4th rumble in the jungle solves itself in your stomach.

Fantasy Fuck-fest: The Conclusion

The end of this long, sordid tale is here.

I won.

Yes, despite Buck's less than stellar management of the league, I managed to overcome all odds and lay the smack down on my opponents. Unfortunately, this league is not for money so I am unable to celebrate my victory in the preferred manner (lines of coke off a hookers ass) so instead I shall get rip-roaring drunk and then call everyone in my league to talk shit.

It's good to be the King.

Whel-kah would have caught that!

What the hell Randy, we've tolerated you and the other coloreds on this team for the entire season. But if this is the kind of performance we can expect to get in the future, consider yourself cut! Just like that bum Reche Caldwell. Remember him? Me neither! That season doesn't count anyway, just like the 2002 season.

We don't need you and your pass-dropping habits. We can win with Brady and Whel-kah until the end of time! At least we know what to expect for Whel-kah! Run three yards, and then fall down at the feet of the nearest defender. We all know the truth, that Wel-kah helped you set all those records. So don't forget--


RUN YOU BASTARD! YAAHHHH!

Wait, what was I saying? Oh, right! You're awesome! Magnificent! And dare I say, beautiful! Don't let anyone tell you different!

In case anyone was wondering what the A-Train looks like, I've provided a family photo from over the holidays.

Here he is asking me a question about the new radio he received for Christmas. Because apparently I know a lot about radios. More than something like oh say.. Fantasy Football. I'm glad A-train has what is known as a sense of understanding and instead of helping, he derides me with insults from all angles. Lessons have been learned. This years fantasy league was created because the one I participated in last year with several other people was folded due to a certain someones inability to provide stability and it was created in 10 minutes while hungover. Fuck off.

On to things that matter outside of the 07 zip code.

The Pats-Giants game is going to be on CBS and NBC. I'm glad that Fox didn't pick it up because I can't stand those fucking robots from Mech Warrior 3. When I want to see Robots I'll fire up the computer and dig out the twenty sided dice. I don't know which is worse, being forced to watch the shitty network coverage by the NFL (Neon Deion and his pimp hats ) or the Robots. Thankfully, the choice has been made for me so I can just focus on watching the game and stuffing peanuts and or popcorn in my mouth while watching the game.

Yes I am going to watch the game. Why ? Because I hate the Giants. I hate Shockey, that under performing giant. I bet he'll be on some sort of UFC reality show in 5 years. I hate Elisha Manning. I've discussed his misgivings in prior posts. The coach looks like Odo from Deep Space Nine and everyone from the east of Syracuse loves them. Or the Jets, but lets be honest. Who likes the Jets. Men who use Flexal 454 because Joe did.

Fantasy Fuck-fest redux!

Well, once again Tom Brady managed to suck it up. While gunning for the NFL touchdown record he forced a pass to Randy Moss that got picked off. Not only did that take away two touchdowns for my team, it also gave Brady a INT, which lowered his points. Argh! Idiot!

Thankfully the team I was going against was even worse, so I won in spite of Tom and his lackadaisical performance. However it's not over yet. Nope, our league's championship game is actually next week. Why? Because Buck doesn't know dick about fantasy football, that's why! Here's the evidence against him:

• Didn't do as well as me: Pretty damning by itself, but allow me to continue
• Bad scoring: Defensive players averaging over 25 points a game. 'Nuff said.
• 17-week season: Hello, Buck? Every league known to man ended this weekend. Except ours.
• Locking all lineups when the first game is played for the week: Not really bad when you first hear it, but then when you think about game-time decisions on late games or Monday night, Thursday games locking lineups that could change based on Fridays practice, and waiver pickups not coming through until Thursday...well, you have me angry.

Ah well, I'm going to win the league anyway. And no, I will not be the commissioner next year, everyone will cry conspiracy when I beat them again.

Sunday re-cap

Or: Kevin Everett learned how to walk again for this!?

Ah, yes...sunday afternoon in Orchard Park, NY. Where my dreams go to die.

I'll just re-cap one part of the Bills game. Allow me to set the mood. It's the fourth quarter, Giants are up a score and are driving. Buffalo needs a stop and touchdown to regain the lead. Okay, ready? Here we go!

Fuckin A'. Eli Manning completes a pass to Terrance McGee, first down Buffalo.

I'm excited.

Buffalo goes three and out, punts (successfully)

I'm angry.

Giants rip off an 88-yard run for a TD.

I'm looking for that bottle of Southern Comfort.

Trent Edwards completes a pass to Jason Webster, and that's going for six.

I'm flipping channels to the Browns/Bengals game.

Being a Bills Fan

Being a Buffalo Bills fan was easy in the 90's because I was a young teenager and I didn't have all this worldly knowledge. Now that I'm burdened with this so called thing life, I have to make some tough, split second decisions. Take my drive into work this morning. I was a bit groggy from the beers and making fun of KISS that occurred last night (I'm going to go ahead and say some members of KISS are actually gay, regardless of reputation. No one should prance about the stage with such enthusiasm. I don't care how much makeup you are wearing, or how much all of your songs sound the same) I digress. I was cut off by a minivan. This minivan had two notable features.

• A Buffalo Bills license plate cover
• A Bush/Cheney '04 bumper sticker

I often base my choice of letting you merge/not flick you off while driving by you for a minor offense (either actually occurring or imagined) based on how you decorate the backside of your car. Being a lifelong Bills fan, people who sport the Bills decorations get a pass. Being a lifelong Democrat, people who are republican often get the finger. It was a give them the stick/don't give them the stick situation. I deduced that since they are republican that they can't love anything that is pure... like something such as the Buffalo Bills. I gave them the finger.

I'm going to bar to root against the Cowboys. (I really just want to see thousands of people wearing their Jessica Simpson face masks)Why am I doing this ? Because of this fucking mess I support the NFL's right create their own network and make money off their product, but something has to be done because I'm sick of going into work all hungover because I had to goto a bar to watch the.... why am I complaining. I love going to the bar to watch the game. Its what makes America work. People going to drink and root for their sports teams. That and a strong hard currency.... wait....I am Ron Burgandy ?

Bad dog! Bad!

Papelbon's dog reportedly eats World Series ball

Papelbon, the closer for the Boston Red Sox kept the ball from this year's World Series at his home. Apparently his dog enjoys chewing on baseballs and got a hold of this one. Ripped it to shreds according to Papelbon. He says he'll kept what's left anyway.

That's nice and all, but you should be a little more careful with a piece of baseball history. Say what you want about Vick, but he never would have let this happen.

Big Tuna... Why do you follow me in my dreams.

I was watching the t.v. in between rounds of darts this evening and I noticed that the big tuna is going to joining the 'Fins. This man has caused me a lack of sleep that can only be described as a non trivial amount of time. He has coached the Giants (during the time of my life where I spent my days scribbling wide right a la Ray Finkle ), The Jets, the Pats and the Cowboys. The only team he hasn't climbed into bed with in the AFC East is my beloved Bills. I'm ok with this because you can hurt me once and I'll be O.K. with it, but more than that and you're only going to get a cold shoulder. He's in the bum category more than once. I had to hear it from Len Pasquarelli. On a side note, Len "If you steal a little boys sunshine one more time you won't be on espn anymore, you'll end up sitting down at the kitchen table and explaining to Chris Hansen that you're innocent and that you just came over to talk...nothing more" Pasquarelli. Please. For the love of god. Get a haircut that doesn't make you look like a pedophile. It was hard enough watching Burt hang up the phone on the Colonel. I see a future commercial where Stuart Scott hangs up the phone on Len and Steven A. Smith shouts "I am Steven A. Smith and quite frankly I am ashamed of you" Of course you wouldn't be able to hear Steven Smith because he will be stuffing his face with Cheese Doodles.

Fantasy Fuck-fest

Sorry to get your hopes up, but this is not Jenaveve Jolie and Eva Angelina making a sex sandwich out of you. What kind of fantasy is that anyway? Them doing that to me, that's a fantasy. Doing it to you? Lame.

No, this is about the huge uproar in the fantasy football world caused by this weekends sucktacular performances by several regular season warriors. Tom Brady? Crap. Randy Moss? Not much better. Tony Romo? Distracted by Jessica shaking her tits. Dallas Clark? Squadoosh! Derek Anderson? Played in a blizzard so fierce Braylon Edwards and Joe Jurevicius looked the same. Now that I think about it, that does explain how Joe caught the tipped pass...

I could go on, but I'm sure one of your friends has bitched about how someone who had been a stud all season shit the bed at the worst possible time. One of my coworkers griped about it a little bit. I didn't though.

You know why? Because my team fucking rocks, that's why!

Yes, I am that asshole that has Tom Brady and Randy Moss. Brett Farve? Yeah, he's my backup.

I gotta say it's been a lot of fun. I'll be down 50 going into a Sunday night game and *whomp* suddenly I'm up by 30. I always hated that guy, but I gotta say now that I'm him, the view from the top is fantastic! You can see everyone, even that guy who drafted LT! I've spent the entire season skull-fucking the shit out of everyone else in my league. Three times I've cracked 190 points. I've spent the entire season on top of the rest of my league (or "pitching" if you will).

While I was a little disappointed about Tom's performance against the Jets, I'm pretty sure Miami will be what we like to call a 'rebound' performance for him. And if he doesn't, I'll just go back to hating him and his butt-chin.

The Dolphins are a professional football team? Surely you jest!

I have dreamed a dream, and now that dream is gone from me.

Around mid-season, I realized we were in the middle of something amazing. The Patriots could go 16-0 (ugh) and the Dolphins could go 0-16 (yay!). As a Bills fan, I hate every other team in the AFC East, but I hate the Dolphins the most. Squish the Fish isn't a saying, it's a way of life. So the prospects of them going 0-16 and another team going undefeated and getting rid of that god-awful champagne toast...well, I was excited about the idea. Even if it meant having to endure even more Patriots loving, I was willing to endure it. Why? The pain and suffering I knew the Dolphins fans would have to deal with.

But thanks to those stupid fucks the Ravens, that dream is gone from me. Gone forever.

NFL recap

I didn't really watch a lot of football today due to my employment status in the retail industry. What I did get to watch was enjoyable. Lets discuss the following things

1)The Bills Browns Game. It was white out. Really White. So white that I never really saw the Bills. I just saw brown. All over the place. I finished my samich and went back to cooking potato pancakes.

I did get home in time for the second half of the Eagles Cowboys game. I was rooting for the Eagles for the following reasons. A) The two consecutive superbowl losses. B)The incident that almost cost me my liver and did cause me to goto work with what I could only describe as a hangover.

2)Now that Tony Romo has a thumb injury, how is he going to use the winshieldwiper manuver when he's giving Jessica Simpson the shocker.

3)The ad for the Citizens Echo watch featuring Elisha Manning. This is comical because for a watch who's tag line is "Powered by the light" because its celebrity endorser spends a majority of his time in the dark.

4)The Fins finally win. This is remarkable. Not because the Fins finally win, but because they beat the Ravens which shows how far this team has fallen.

5)Its windy in the Meadowlands. Todd Collins seems to be doing ok with this. The home teams quarterback seems to be struggling with this.

Steve... Where are you going ? We still have work to do

I was perusing the espn website when a little note about Steve Fairchild being named as the new head coach of the Colorado State football coach caught my eye. At first I thought that I was on LSD again, but cooler heads prevailed as used my trackpad to move my pointer over to the link.

Apparently Steve is leaving.

Dear Steve,

Although your stay at 1 Orchard Park Dr. has been short, I'd like to comment on a few things...or rather ask a few questions.
1)Why did you insist on starting J.P. again. Sure he had that one game where he was good, but then he was overcome with excitement and went back into making bad decisions. Everyone has their moments. I've made a couple of bad choices and I've survived, but eventually my parents sat me down, or my friends sat me down and basically gave me the "What the fuck talk" Its a very simple talk. You just repeat "What the fuck?" until the person figures it out. Sometimes it takes a while. In pro football, this time should be spent on the bench, not out on the field causing me to run around my apartment in shock and disbelief. Its bad enough that my heart is already handicapped due to the six dollar molson pitchers consumed the previous night, but to tug at its strings like that... When we meet again, you'll owe me a couple years on my life.

2)Fred Jackson. I'm glad that you figured out that Bears reject was worthless, but why did you figure this out so late in the season? I'm puzzled. I read nothing but positive reviews from sports writers during training camp. Granted Bob Mathews and I have had our disagreements over breakfast from time to time, but he has been watching and commenting on sports for the better part of ... oh lets say two decades. I think he was a sports fan in high school too.

3)The Dallas game. You really tried my patience there. I would say more but much of the my memories between the hours of 8pm and 1 am are a bit splotchy. All I can remember is the following things
1)Vanessa made good chili
2)I drank a lot of yinngers.
3)There was a stressful fifteen minutes where the t.v. wasn't working until I informed my host that her t.v. wasn't on channel three.
4)My brother and I texted back and forth the entire game at a level of wit not often seen.

4)I wish you the best of luck though. Seriously.

Yours,

Buck

Mitchapolooza!

The Mitchell Report came out yesterday, and left everyone going "...and!?"

It confirmed what we all know: A bunch of really sucky guys took steroids, and some famous guys took steroids. It also confirmed my sneaking suspicion that Mo Vaughn's power stroke was, in fact, from steroids and not fried foods like he had originally claimed. This also explains why despite putting on sixty pounds in college, I still suck at baseball.

The one noticeable omission was one Barry Lamar Bonds. Maybe Mitchell figured it was painfully obvious and left it off to keep the report to a more manageable number of pages. Otherwise it would just be impossible to print out without having to re-load the printer.

I'm going to avoid watching ESPN for the next few days though and I suggest you do the same. No need to watch the World Wide Leader in Sports trot out Steve Phillips, Buster Olney, John Kruk, Peter Gammons, and Tim Kurkjian over and over again.

JP Losman = Wally Pipp

It's a bit of an obscure sports reference, but Wally Pipp was the guy who Lou Gehrig replaced at first base. On June 2, 1925 Lou Gehrig started over Wally Pipp who was in a bit of a slump at the time. I'm sure you all know what happened after that (hint: Gehrig was much better than Pipp)

The Bills seem to have a few offensive weapons to work with. Nothing like the Colts, but there are some movers and shakers. Lee Evans is an established deep threat who can outrun anyone on the field, handy for those times when the defense is in man coverage. Josh Reed is a solid, if unspectacular possession receiver who can gets some yards after the catch. And Parrish is the shifty slot guy everyone wants. Running back? Yeah, Marshawn 'Money' Lynch has that locked up. All the Bills need is a tight end. Who can catch. Yeah, that directed at you Robert Royal, holder of the Fluke Performance of the Week.

While it's a huge stretch to say that Trent Edwards is going to put up huge numbers for the rest of his career, establish a bunch of records, and then succumb to a debilitating disease while in his prime, it would be nice if Trent turned out to be a solid QB for the next 8-10 years. I don't think that's too much to hope for, and to be honest, my liver can't take another up-and-down season. And I've run out of furniture to break.

Come on Trent, don't suck

The Bills

I was perusing espn.com this morning in an attempt to read about the Bills victory over the Fins. I knew the victory was a blowout, but who reading about the blowout win by your team over another team no matter how helpless is like using a swedish cock pump. Winless Dolphins make Bills look like juggernaut
A few bullet points for you espn

• The correct phrase would be like a juggernaut.
  
• Don't go down on a team that is in the playoff hunt for the first time in....well I can't remember the last time and I don't feel like looking it up.
  
• The Bills are 7-6 and have a quarterback (Trent Edwards) that can win. He's not Tom Brady, but he has what most fathers want their daughters to marry someone with.... a future.
  
• They have two running backs (Marshawn Lynch and Fred Jackson) who have proven themselves multiple times that they can produce. Sure they didn't blow out the Pats for 125 yards on the ground, but Lynch didn't start.
  
• They have a Defense that has come together after the loss of several starters.
  

Shut up espn

Shut your hole, Skip

I know it's not new to hate Skip Bayless. It's fun to poke at him, and talk about things that would make his head explode (how awesome would that be?) and laugh at him about that time Jay Feely laid the verbal smack-down on Skip about kickers.

But this morning while I was watching SportsCenter and eating my breakfast I watched Skip Bayless debate who would win the Heisman. Mary May said that Tebow should win it, and Skip launched into Mark about how Mark May should be worried that Tebow is a system QB, not really that good, won't be a great NFL QB.

For fucks sake Skip, the Heisman is not an award for 'who will be the best NFL prospect'. That's what the NFL draft is for. Yes, often times the Heisman winner is drafted and tanks. But there are plenty of other college award winners who don't pan out either. It's the nature of the NFL.

Now if your excuse me, I need to go to my companies holiday party and get shit-faced.

Elisha Manning

When Elisha Manning goes under center he always looks like he's going to cry when he sees a defense that he doesn't "understand". In the post-game interview today he sounded like a little kid. I really think Elisha is a real life version of that Robin Williams movie Jack. The one where he was a ten year old trapped in a 40 year olds body. Somehow he got pushed through the system as so many latchkey kids do, and because of his older brother, he was drafted. I wonder if there is a statistic that shows that Eli plays better on the first drive of the second half because he can take a nap, have some cookies and milk and go back outside and play with his friends.