Cocky pro decides to put down my football and hockey teams

Bill Simmons wrote a nice little piece about how now that all of his Boston teams have won championships that he has nothing to root for or do. He suggests in comparison, that this is the reason that Hugh Grant tried to pick up a prostitute. He had nailed all of the hot women he could and had hooked up with Hurley so therefore had no where else to go.

I say eronious on two counts.

1)Fuck you. Its not every day that someone gets to write that column. Sure you put in your time, but I dont feel as if this is winning gracefully. This is a very high school ass holeish thing to do.

2)Don't ever compare Boston to Buffalo. We don't even have a basketball team or a major league baseball team. Sure they have a hockey team, that actually has done pretty decent in the past couple of years. I also don't think that the pain of watching four superbowl losses in a row will compare to the minor mole hills you faced as a Boston Fan. At least you had hope. Buffalo has nothing and the fear of loosing their football team to Toronto.

I wonder if someday Andy Pettitte will walk into a jail visiting room and see Rodger Clemens on the other side of the wi

Scene: Its a poorly lit jail house visiting room. One one side of the glass is Rodger Clemens. He has two days worth of growth on his face. His eyes are bloodshot from lack of sleep and his hair looks fine... as if he hasn't worn a baseball hat in years. Andy Pettitte walks in and sits down on the other side of the glass and picks up the phone.

Andy: Rodger tell me what happened

Rodger: She looked so young. She said she was 18. I didn't know.

Rodger puts his hand on the glass and looks emotionally pained.

Rodger: Are you my friend Andy ? Are you my friend ?

Andy just looks at Rodger and hangs up the phone and walks away. All you can see is Rodger screaming into the phone "Are you my friend Andy ?" but you can't hear it through the glass.

Exit scene

You'll never guess what just happened

Take a drink of water. Relax. Deep breaths. OK. Are you ready? Are you really ready? Because you're gonna need some time to digest this one: A Cincinnati Bengal is in trouble with the law again.

Linebacker Ahmad Brooks is accused of punching a woman in the face last month. Destiny Rosich (hmm, wonder how she pays the bills) said Brooks got into a loud disagreement with one of her neighbors in nearby Florence, KY on April
9th. When she tried to intervene, Brooks punched her in the left eye, temporarily knocking her unconscious.

Brooks missed most of last season with torn groin muscles. The Bengals took him in the 2006 supplemental draft, shortly before linebacker Odell Thurman began serving an NFL suspension that would last for two seasons. Brooks played three seasons at Virginia before being kicked off the team. Why did he get kicked off the team? Excellent question! Apparently he was involved in several off-field incidents. Go figure!

Former Sabers....Where are they now

On vacation.
1) Chris Drury
2)Brian Campbell

Not on vacation

1)Daniel Briere
2)Martin Biron

Jay Cutler has diabeetus

The soul of Western NY has a pricetag, and it's loonies

The city of Toronto has been trying for the past few seasons to show that it can support an NFL franchise and get a (real) football team of their own. They have recently succeeded, with the Buffalo Bills having provided a helping hand. For any sports franchise it's a good thing to broaden their fanbase, so for the Bills to play a few games in Canada is a smart move. They're also getting a fat chunk of change in exchange for playing 8 games in Toronto; $78 million dollars to be exact. While this is Canadian money, George Bush has been kind enough to weaken the dollar (and kill off a great joke) so this is roughly $78 million US dollars as well. Some games will be pre-season, and others will be regular season. For example this upcoming season the Bills are playing a pre-season and a regular-season game in Toronto. The per-game payout works out to about 9.75 million dollars per game, which is a lot more per game than the Bills make playing at the Ralph.

It's no secret that the future of the Bills franchise is up in the air. Ralph Wilson will not be leaving the franchise to his children as inheriting it would bankrupt them thanks to our tax laws. Also, Ralph will not sell the franchise while he is still alive. So, when Ralph goes...the Bills may as well. Thankfully the guy has shown a Montgomery Burns-like ability to live forever, so I'm not worried. Yet.

However, this little adventure north of the border leaves me a little nervous about the future of my favorite team. But if there ever was a city that knew how to love a team no matter what, it's Toronto, home of the Maple Leafs.

Packers fans won't have to quit Favre, life for another season

John Madden's favorite QB in the entire world, Favre, has been named the cover boy of Madden 2009. This is interesting for a few reasons:

• Favre is retired. Will he be in the game? Will he retire right when you try and start training camp? If Aaron Rodgers (accidentally) gets fucking killed in a pre-season game, will Favre unretire? An entire state waits for these answers, sausage in one hand and beer in the other hand, paralyzed by the anticipation.
  
• Will Favre still have to worry about the Curse? I know Favre likes mowing his lawn, so maybe he should hire someone to do this year. Just in case.
• Will Packers fans be able to open the game, or will they just stare at the cover, getting lost in Brett's eyes?

Only time will tell!

The Bills had a decent draft. They played the percentages and picked up a CB in McKelvin and waited until the second round to pick up a WR. They addressed their TE needs, randomly picked up two more CB and a smittering of other players who are insurance/experiment picks.

Odd move of the draft for me so far is the Packers taking two quarterbacks. I can see taking one, but taking two is just stupid. You basically said to your starting quarterback, good luck and don't fuck up.

Draft Bukkake

The draft is almost over, so a couple of quick blows before I try and wrap my head around the whole thing tomorrow:

Dolphins: Drafted a lineman! Seeing as their line could best be described as 'a point of serious concern' drafting a stud lineman is a safe bet. They also drafted Chad Henne, which means the John Beck era might be coming to a close. Chad has a few knocks against him, one of which is being a bit 'statuesque' in the pocket. Good thing they drafted Long. They're still going to suck next year though.

Falcons: Drafted a quarterback! And he loves dogs! Yay! The Falcons need a lot of help, but Matt Ryan will at least have a decent running back in Turner to help him get acclimated to the NFL, and by that I mean getting his ass kicked for 16 weeks. Atlanta's lack of receivers has been well documented, and combined with Ryan's almost Favre-esque ability to put passes right between the numbers of opposing defenders this will be a long season for Atlanta.

Patriots: Drafted a linebacker! And he's under 35! Yay! Patriots fans cheered lustily, then started booing when they found out he was another one of those damn dahkies. The Pats roster is going to be almost half dahkie at the rate they're going! Patriots fans found happiness in the 3rd round, when the Patriots drafted Kevin O'Connell from San Diego State. The name alone will grant him demi-god status in the greater Boston area, and the fact that he's, you know, sorta good will help the Patriots run up the score while still putting in their backups. Everyone wins! Except the Dolphins. They're still gonna get raped this season.

Bills: Drafted a cornerback! Yay! He will be the next in a long line of first-round cornerbacks that come to Buffalo, get really good, and then leave for bigger and better things (mainly bags of money) once their rookie contract is up. The legacy also includes leaving AFC East receivers so open you could land a plane on the field around them. But we'll leave that for the regular season.

And hey, they got one of those wide receiver dudes to help out. James Hardy is tall, fast, and can jump really high, which are all good things. He also has character issues, stemming from an incident where he slapped around his girlfriend and their kid. He would have fit right in with Randy Moss and the Patriots, but hey, the Bills will take him and hopefully go to middle of the pack with their red zone offense. Yeah, they'll run a ton of fades to the back corner with him, but I can live with that as long as they throw out the 3rd-and-goal shovel passes.

Denizens of Dallas feverishly working on ark, dams

Yes, that's right folks! Adam 'Pacman' Jones, aka The Rainmaker has been traded from the Titans to the Dallas Cowboys. Of course Pacman hasn't even been reinstated by the NFL yet, so the Cowboys may have just traded for a guy who won't even play next year. Normally I'd give a slow, sarcastic clap for such a brilliant trade, but I remembered they also traded for the rights to Drew Henson and we all know how well that worked out.

Regardless, Pacman Jones is a game-changing talent, both as a corner and a punt returner. If he does in fact return this season and is in game shape, his addition will most likely turn Big D into the odds-on favorite to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, mainly due to the losses the Giants have sustained.

The interesting part will be when Pacman goes to get his game checks. While the front office encourages direct deposit, my guess is Pacman will want it in singles stuffed in a Hefty bag.

Places Brett Farve Won't be this year

1) San Francisco
2) Denver

These first two really don't matter because they were just going to be Aaron Rodgers games anyways because Brett really shouldn't play more than the first quarter of both games. We all know that these games are really for the next Matt Hasselbeck to gain a spot on the roster as the 3rd string QB.


3)Detroit
4)Tampa Bay
5)Seattle
6)Tennessee
7)Minnesota
8)New Orleans
9)Jacksonville
10)Chicago

At least now when 83 reads stats to me, they won't be as impressive because they will be from Aaron "I'm such an arrogant asshat that I have two a's in my name" Rodgers.
Bears
Welcome to life with quarterback uncertainty. I know you haven't felt in a while. Its like a recently divorced man in his 30's going out the bars as a single man for the first time since he was 26 and he met that random whore that ended up giving him two children, a bad back and a bad case of the "I want the last 8 years of my life back" This isn't a Berenstein book for the entire family. Its hungover and miserable. It often doesn't shave for days at a time. It features numerous trips to clubs of ill repute. Then whenever your friends take pity on you, they preface any time out with little lectures like this one



So Packers fans. Buck up and be a man, because this year, this year you might cry. Not in happiness, not in sadness, but in frustration. But don't worry, this Bills fan has plenty of tips on how to occupy this idle weekends in Jan. where your team should be in the playoffs but instead you get to mope around the house, looking for meaning.

Good luck

Fun Fallible Fact about David Ortiz

did you know that... David Ortiz and I have the same slugging percentage so far this season?

Wait, his slugging percentage really is zero?

Rut-roh!

Kansas wins!

Billy Packer heard exhaling noisily.

Whew, quite the wild ride it's been. Cinderella was eventually beaten (those Nike commercials aren't very nice, are they?) and for once, all the number one seeds made it the Final Four. A quick run through the ESPN brackets shows that there are no perfect brackets. Again.

Do you think that if Baron Davis shaved his beard his production would go down because opposing players would be less intimidated ?

I was watching a Rockets game and I saw someone I haven't seen in a while on the court. Mutumbo. My buddy commented that he's gotta be like 50, to which I replied something to the effect that its actually more like 70 years old because he's gotta deal with strife, famine and AIDS. Just like Kurt Warner is actually younger in spirit than he legally is because he's been a bible thumper for all those years and never had booze or drugs to age him so the fact that he's in his mid 30's and playing football is no miracle. Its science

Oh Syracuse.....

You ever hear the joke that goes as follows ?

"Hey whats better than winning the Special Olympics ?"
You kinda groan and know that a not so politically correct joke is about to explode out and you quickly check the 270 degrees of vision that you are responsible for and utter "What?"
"Not being in the Special Olympics...."

The laughter from the joke teller keeps going until some jackass says "Hey my cousin is retarded" Or if they aren't just trying to fuck with you they actually have a cousin who could compete in the S.O. they say "Hey my cousin is mentally challenged"

Anyways now that everyone has flashed back to that moment in their lives....

Whats better than winning the NIT tournament ? Being invited to the NCAA big dance. Thats right Syracuse University.... You might have been given the number one seed in the NIT tournament but you failed to make the big dance. Its like a girl telling you that you are her best friend, but not quite boyfriend material. However the guy who hasn't had a job in two months outside of dealing cocaine from his living room.... he's the genetic material you'd like to merge with yours to create a child in the future....

I'm still going to root for you, as I always have and always will. Its genetic destiny because my grandparents met at that college before the war. Thats right I'm fucking old school alumni. Then again I cashed in on that check by going to a state school that's claim to fame included an all day drinking event on the last day of classes and a hockey team that, after winning the DIII championship last year failed to make the big dance this year.

Wocka Wocka Wocka Wocka....BBBLLLLIIIIINNNNNGGGG

So apparently teams in the NFL are hell bent on showing us that in their eyes if you can cover a solid number one WR then you'll always have a place on an NFL team.

According to NFL sources, there are upwards of SEVEN NFL franchises that are in some level of pursuit for scandalous and OG gangstarific Tennessee CB, Adam "Pacman" Jones.  Seven franchises?  Like more than zero?

The fact that teams are still interested in a guy who has been in contact with various local police departments more than Ted Bundy post-prison break is disturbing to say the least.  Especially given the fact that it wasnt until the season before this past that he was thought to be worth anything.  With a name like Pacman you expect a guy to receive his fair share of hype coming out of college but for the early part of his career he was more "Dig Dug" than Pacman.  But still after a fairly effective 2006 season and numerous scrapes with the law we are to believe Pac has changed.

Pac got love fo da game now.

Pac knows he shouldnt have made it rain in a strip club...

Pac dont keep his dollas in trash bags no mo'

Pac needs to get a life, a new occupation and multiple slaps in the head.  Of course the only thing he will actually get is a multimillion dollar contract in Oakland or Dallas and a spot next to Rae Carruth, Tank Johnson, Leonard Little and Ray Lewis in the NFL scumbag Hall of Fame.  Congrats Pac....here's youre orange jumpsuit...

The NBA and KIA

I found it a bit ironic that KIA is the official sponsor of the NBA. Doesn't Kia make the smallest cars around ? Doesn't the NBA employ unusually tall people ? Besides Spud Webb, there really isn't a lot players who could fit into a KIA with any comfort or at all. Its like Hummer sponsoring the Little People of America (or LPA to those of you who belong ). It just doesn't make sense.

Unless....

So maybe I was wrong

While getting my ass whipped with the A-train at darts this evening, I couldn't help but notice the hockey game on. Then I came home and continued to watch. I was impressed by the debut of Bernier. He scored two goals, an assist and shook off the gloves in a fight... all against the predators. Of course the Sabres won 8-4 which always leaves Buck happy. So I will be the first of many to say.

"Welcome Steve Bernier" You can quote me on this. You can also quote me on this one

"I hope you don't fuck it all up"

Buck comments on recent activity in the NHL.

Every guy has been through the its not you its me, or I like you as a friend conversation with an attractive female. You end up in the friend zone, infatuated for years never quite getting the girl out of your head a la What About Mary. You know its leading down a path of nothing. There are some beautiful sights along the way, but you never quite get "there" and by "there" I mean in her pants. You get to hear about how other guys got there, had a grand old time down there and how she wants you to meet the new feller in her life. She still smiles at you from across the bar, but its a friendship smile, not a "I want you to lift my skirt up and fuck me in the bathroom smile". Sure she's the perfect girl in every way... but not for you, but yet you still hang on. For years.

This is my relationship with Buffalo sports. It happened as a young child for me with the Buffalo Bills. We flirted with getting into the pants for 4 straight years. But this has been covered for years and will be so just deal with it.

About a decade ago I made a fateful decision to attend SUNY Oswego to obtain a degree that I wouldn't end up doing a damn thing with. I did however fall in love with a little sport called hockey. I ended up following the Sabers. For those of you who don't get subtle hints or understand the realm of the NHL, the Sabers play in Buffalo and are destined to fuck me. They did it a couple times last year by not signing Briere or Dury. They made a relationship saving move by signing Vanek to a long term deal, however I feel it has already prolonged the misery for this morning I awoke to discover that the Sabers traded Brian Campbell. I am a bit hurt. They did get the Sharks garbage draft pick of a forward who apparently is out of shape. Maybe he just needs a little direction and conditioning. Because if there's anything that living in a cold misery ridden city does for your mental and physical health is improve it. They also got a first round pick in this years draft. At least they got something out of him because we all know that a certain someone has a hard time opening his pocket book for expensive players. Yes you saved hockey in Buffalo, but your grace period has run out... do something.

Drivers Wanted

Ah, yes, the NFL offseason. Usually kind of quite, with players spending their free time healing from the brutal season, diligently training, and keeping out of trouble. Wait, sorry, allow me to take that last one back. Getting DUI's. There.

In case you're wondering, my gambling luck has not improved recently (though I did break even the other weekend) and I lost out again. I had a modest bet on Bradon Merriweather fucking up. I figured it was a safe bet. Couple of incidents in college with guns and kicking people when they were down, plus being black in Boston always goes over well. Nope! Totally wrong!

The big winner is Roscoe Parrish of the Buffalo Bills. The waterbug-like punt returner and slot man got a DUI in Miami, being pulled over at 4:30 am (god, I miss Albany drinking laws sometimes). Now, late last year Roscoe Parrish had signed a contract with a $1.1 million dollar signing bonus. Seriously, how hard is it for him to find a buddy from back in the day and give him 50,000 in cash, a cell phone and the keys to a Escalde with the simple instructions to be on-call 24/7? Worried about him drinking? Go hire a Mormon, they don't do shit. John Beck's schedule looks pretty wide open.

I've been waiting... for this moment so long

Where have Buck and the A-train been ?

Funny you should ask.

We decided to take a little road trip to Syracuse on Saturday for the Georgetown upset.

I will post pictures of the storming of the court as soon as I find the cord that connects my camera to the computer.

I share with you this little nugget.

You can cry ? I didn't think you knew about that emotion

Patriots fans are calling for an investigation of the last minutes and forty seconds of the Superbowl.

Lets be honest with ourselves here, because I don't want to really go through their argument point by point. I'll leave that to the people who have time on their hands to talk about things that don't really matter in the course of life. I would like to remind some people of the horrible losses that I, as a Bills fan have endured.

1. The Music City Miracle.



I could go on here, but I just dealt with it. When I suffer a loss in my life, be it my favorite watering hole closes, a loved one passes on etc.... I just deal with it. I don't whine about it. Whining is for sore losers. I'm sure there is a motivational poster somewhere around with a sentence or two about very similar situations.

Sensational Title!

Acerbic rant!

Dick joke.

Witty conclusion.

New England is looking forward to spring training in a big way

I'm sure you've heard the news. The Patriots, the team of destiny, the one that raped and pillaged for half a season, escaped by the hairs on Tom's chiny-chin-chin for the second half, and brought an unbearable fanbase to new heights of doucheness lost. Not 'didn't win'. Lost.

Normally after the season ends I'm depressed, and start looking forward to spring training and the NFL draft. But not today. No, I'm going to soak this one up, and listen to that deafening silence to the east of me.

Mirapex

Tom Brady is on Mirapex. How do I know this.

1)He has restless leg syndrome. This is one way he could of injured his foot causing him to wear the boot. Every woke up in a hold sweat and kicked your wall? Every strained your foot trying to get it untangled from the sheets that are in one big knot because you've got the jimmy leg ?

You have restless leg syndrome.

2)I'm going to quote the website here

"There have been reports of patients taking certain medications to treat Parkinson's disease or RLS, including MIRAPEX, that have reported problems with gambling, compulsive eating, and increased sex drive. It is not possible to reliably estimate how often these behaviors occur to determine which factors may contribute to them. If you or your family members notice that you are developing unusual behaviors, talk to your doctor."

Sex drive. What would cause you to date two supermodels. An increased sex drive thats what. Dump the baby moma for some more sex cause she's on the whole can't get it on for 6 weeks cause I just slid an 8 pound human out my crotch. If you were a normal person not on mirapex, you could wait it out. But not someone with an increased sex drive and someone who likes to take chances.... or gamble for that matter

Onto the gambling. He's taken some chances. Every time young Thomas steps out onto the field he is risking getting the shit kicked outta him and most of his knee removed by force. Plus Osi likes to shit on people so there's that chance too. Thats a huge risk cause Osi has to eat something like 5-6000 calories a day. Its probably like cleaning up after a St. Bernard with a shitzu pooper scooper.


3)He is developing unusual behavior. He's from Boston and he's modest. Thats fucking really unusual. You ever met a quiet Boston Fan ? You might of but they are blocked out by the thousands of loud ones.



this theory of course is complete bullshit and consists of me watching t.v. mid day, seeing the ad on t.v. and then having to take a monster dump. Taking a monster dump when you aren't prepared with reading material can cause you to think. Alot. Plus I was well rested as I had nothing better to do than watch t.v. at 1pm.

The economics of baseball

I'm a Yankees fan. I always have been. I used to watch games on t.v. with my mother and pull up whomever was batting from my collection of Yankees cards and examine their stats. I subscribed to Yankee magazine. I understand that the Yankees have what most people would describe as an excessive payroll. In understand that they have destroyed the free agent market whenever they felt like it (except when it came to bidding on the services of a certain pitcher from the land of the rising sun)

I would like to see a salary cap in baseball. Forget the concept of a luxury tax, because thats a fucking joke. The Yankees, Rangers, Dodgers, Redsox etc. make so much money off their local networks broadcasting games on various cable networks that they can afford to pay the luxury tax. We all know you can buy a world series ring when you want to (especially when Dwight Gooden runs out of peruvian nose powder).

The reason this is on my mind ? The Mets trading for Santana. Why did the twins give up one of the best pitchers in baseball, and the ace of their staff ? Its not because they are in a rebuilding mode, or they felt they received a deal that they couldn't pass up, but because they knew that they couldn't afford to keep him on their payroll and still make money. The Twins play in a small market, unlike the Yankees, or the Redsox. They really don't have a solid fan base outside of the land of the ten thousand lakes. Sure there is the oddball who moved for a job or college, or that stuff they call love, but lets be honest, people only go on long term vacations from Min. They don't move away. The Twins also haven't had a very storied history in baseball like the Redsox, or the Yankees, or for that matter a team like the Packers or the 49ers, or the Cowboys who seem to have an oddly larger number of fans in upstate New York. I'm rambling here, but my point is that the Twins don't have the large economic engine to pay for players that other teams have. This makes it much more difficult for teams like the Twins to stay competitive. Sure they made it to the playoffs and using Billy Bean, the A's made it too with a small payroll, but those aren't teams that can grow into a dynasty because they are split up as soon as everyone becomes a free agent.

We also must comment on the greed of the players who make so much money. Let me tell you, if you got offered 5 million dollars or 10 million dollars, you tell me, in a serious voice, that you will accept the five million because you love the game. Bull shit. You are taking that ten million and putting it in the bank, because with ten million a year for 3 years, you won't have to work ever again. You can live off the interest. You can fucking coach little league with your kids everyday, because you are rich, doing something you love. I could also dig into my college notes and look up the Cognitive dissonance theory and apply it to such people as Barry Zito

2001	Oakland Athletics	$240,000
2002	Oakland Athletics	$295,000
2003	Oakland Athletics	$1,000,000
2004	Oakland Athletics	$3,000,000
2005	Oakland Athletics	$5,600,000
2006	Oakland Athletics	$7,900,000
2007	San Francisco Giants	$10,000,000

This is a snapshot of Mr. Zito's earnings as a baseball player.

Lets take a look at his Win Loss record.

2001 17-8
2002 23-5
2003 14-12
2004 11-11
2005 14-13
2006 16-10
2007 11-13

Really what this data shows is that as soon as Mr. Zito started earning the big bucks (over a million dollars that is), he started shitting the metaphorical bed. Now lets travel back to that long named theory that I mentioned early. When you apply this theory to a persons job, it basically states that if you earn to much money for something that you enjoy that you wouldn't be motivated internally anymore and that it would destroy the very reason that you love doing the job. Basically Barry Zito felt that he was getting paid to much for a job that he used to love doing, but since he decided to be a bit greedy (And I would to, I'm not faulting the guy here) that he isn't doing so hot any more.

This of course isn't taking into account other factors such as the rest of the team he was playing with, or the fact that he how had to step up to the plate 62 times last year as a hitter in the NL. Things like that can tire a man out. I'm just drawing conclusions from two pieces of data that totally ignore the rest of the possibilities. Yes Stephen A. Smith, I'm a horrible blogger.

Could I have grasping at straws for 400 please Alex

I was bored searching craigslist for transvestite hookups for A-train, so I decided to check out my local newspaper for entertainment. Notice I didn't say news, because the Democrat and Chronicle really hasn't provided me with any news since I discovered the Internet. However on this day, there was a little story. A little story about a guy named Teyo Johnson. Who is Teyo Johnson. He's never had a song written about him like Mike Jones, but he bares mentioning because he's the Bills answer to our Tight End problem. Yes we have a problem. We have a problem worth addressing in a place like... oh I don't know.. the draft. He has a grand total of 26 receptions, 3 of them for touchdowns. He gained 288 yards while grabbing the aformentioned 26 receptions. This of course over four years.

I might have to start drinking heavily before watching a football game, just so I don't go insane. I'll just think I'm hallucinating again because I'm drunk....not that the Bills just signed a TE who is the castoff of Raiders, the Cardinals and the Broncos. All of whom have gone to the...no wait, they haven't done shit.

The Goldenboy strikes again!

Victoria’s Secret model Alessandra Ambrosio had a photo shoot this weekend in South Beach. I should also mention she’s three months pregnant. Here's a picture of her in case you've been living under a rock or something:
Very nice, yes? Now, why am I mentioning this in a sports blog? Because there's only one man who could have done this:
Yes, that's right. Tom "the Golden Boy" Brady has struck again. After plowing through Bridget Moynahan, he moved on to Gisele Bundchen. But I guess that wasn't enough. No, now he's had to go and knock up Alessandra Ambrosio. Now, this is totally unsubstantiated, but it makes about as much sense as any of the other shit that's happened this season. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

8 Shots? Sounds like a nice Saturday Night!

  After Saturday's 3rd round at the 2008 Buick Invitational, Tiger Woods - surprise, surprise - sits at the top of the leader board at 18-under par.  That means that one out of every three holes has been birdied by Woods in his first 54 holes.  This is astounding.  I've golfed probably 3000 holes in my life, 6 of which were birdies.  6.  Not even 60.  Fucking 6.  I dont know whether to worship the ground El Tigre walks on or to never touch a golf club again...

Dating back to last year's Bridgestone Invitational Tiger has finished in the following places first, first, second, first, first and now, with an eight shot lead and a completely demoralized field, he is poised to win AGAIN.  Tiger is like the Bishop from Caddyshack...except its not raining, there is no divine strikes from the sky and oh yeah he does it EVERYTIME HE GOLFS.  Who would have thought that the single most intimidating athlete in the world would one day be an african-asian-caucasian American Golfer?  Earl Woods...thats who.

Its about god damn time

The Yankees have gone ahead and done something smart. Its one of those moves that will pay dividends for four years. I'm talking about offering Cano a four year deal, which goes against their position of giving young players multi year contracts and instead, wasting their money, draft picks, prospects and my time by getting expensive free agents in the open market. Sure they have an ass load of money because of the yes network and the fact that they play in New York. Not to mention that you can now buy a Yankees hat in the color pink which in my opinion is a sin. You shouldn't wear a hat because it matches your outfit, you should wear it because you support the team. Anyways, I look forward to a time in my life where the Yankees have homegrown talent, instead of watching said talent play on other teams.

Cano, unlike my friend Tommy Computer who wore a Cano jersey to the bars and while walking outside almost fell down, forcing the bouncer to say "twenty two is going down", because he's so drunk....will be around for at least a little while longer along with the rest of the young team. I like to watch a group of players called a team, not a group of players that can only be classified as a group of players who used to be good, but have bad backs, steroid addictions, and a medley of other problems (cocaine or domestic issues for instance).

John Daly lives the kind of life you dream about

The other day John Daly had to pull out of the Bob Hope Classic with a rib injury. Apparently John spent the previous night singing 'Knockin' on Heaven's Door' with Alice Cooper. But that's not all. He also attended two tournament parties, an after party, and told a reporter to ignore the drinking. Hmm, you're right. Does seem a little strange. Wait, what's that you say? He was helped out of the after party by an unidentified man? There we go. Glad to see John was able to save par. I thought he was about to bogey that one!

Joking aside, that sounds like a pretty typical night for Daly. In fact, the only strange thing I see with everything is the choice in songs. 'School's Out' or 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' would be a little more familiar to and appropriate for Alice Cooper. Then again, the way Daly parties, 'Knockin' on Heaven's Door' is probably the best song Daly could sing. I'm sure Heath Ledger wishes he'd sung that.

I never understand why everyone gets all pissy with John Daly drinking and smoking. While I've never played golf (Buck plays games, not me) from what I understand, drinking and smoking is not only acceptable, but encouraged! They actually have a sweet 20-something year old hottie follow you around with a cart stocked with beer, yours for the taking (for a nominal fee). Not to mentioned the legendary 19th hole. You're even allowed to drive!

What a bunch of hypocrites.

The longest two weeks in sports just got longer

Normally the two weeks between conference championship games and the super bowl is, in a word, excruciating. It's filled with a lot of predictions, a lot of hype, and then a massive let down when the game blows ass. It's getting worse though. You used to be able to bank on the commercials entertaining you after you realized there's no way the team you bet on is covering the spread. But for the past few years even the legendary commercials haven't been as strong.

This year the two weeks is different though. Mainly because it's all pointless. The Pats are going to win. Why the fuck even bother if the commercials are going to blow too. So now I find myself looking into February not for football, but for baseball. That's right folks! Pitchers and catchers report in three and a half weeks! You thought I had a drinking problem with the NFL? Wait until you watch me try and grind through 162 games with those pink-hat wearing fuckheads over in Fenway. I'll be dead by the all-star break, I just know it.

Spurned by Garrett, Ravens turn to Tom Emanski...errrr John Harbaugh

Apparently, Jason Garrett wanted the loot.  The Paper.  The cash.   That and he didnt want to be tied down to an aging roster of has been playmakers in need of a complete offensive overhaul.

Garrett, who was brought into Dallas last year to be the offensive coordinator and head coach to be, turned down overtures from both Baltimore and Atlanta to, instead, collect a fattie paycheck as the assistant HC and OC in Dallas.  Reports have his deal at 3 million per.  The Ravens were offering just under 3.  So instead of having to deal with finding a new receiver corps, a new QB, offensive line help and help along an aging defense, Garrett will inherit a talented Cowboys team that will invariably fire their Mayor McCheese-looking coach, Wade "My Father's Name is Bum But He Was Still Highly Regarded" Phillips.

Meanwhile in The Clap Capital of the East Coast (or Baltimore as its known in Maryland), the Ravens hired John Harbaugh.  No, not Jim Harbaugh...his brother, John.  He spent last year as the secondary coach for the Philadelphia Eagles.  The Eagles were ranked 18th against the pass this past season.  I imagine that the bitter taste of defeat is running through the 14 secondary coaches who Harbaugh "outperformed" and I'm sure he 17 that out performed him are rightfully red assed.

Harbaugh comes from a long line of mediocre NFL talent and should be able to turn the Ravens around because he's younger than 3/4 of the roster.  Good luck with that champ.

Personally the Good Doc (thats me, I dont spend time explaining my nicknames and handles I just let other people catch up...I call it the DB Cooper method) think that Baltimore, whose offense has been stagnant for as long as this NFL guy can remember, should have gone back to the basics.  They should have called the coach of the AAU back to back to back national champion baseball team.  Baseball you say?  Well seeing as how the Baltimore ranked a sterling 25th in passing, maybe a back to the basics approach is what is needed to throwing the ball.  Not to mention that Mr. Emanski has a far greater coaching history than John Harbaugh.  Maybe the Crime Dog could sway their opinions.

The old guard vs. the new guard

I never thought that I would refer to Tom Brady as the Old Guard along with Brett Farve, but I think its justified. Both have very attractive wives/girlfriends. Brett's wife still looks banging after the boob cancer. According to a well placed source in green bay, Mrs. Farve sometimes will leave the house looking less than perfect, but lets be honest.... I work at a grocery store and there are way more people who will never be attractive no matter what they do, so if someone wants to have a down day... so be it.

Not bad right ?

Tom Brady managed to hook it up with not one but two vagainas worth looking at with an intensity seen only by your computer screen when you decide to rub one out.


Bridget Moynahan managed to have a uterus made of steel, because any other womans uterus couldn't hold his sperm. At least thats what Bill Simmons believes.

The second girl is Gisele Bundchen, or the one of the worlds richest and hottest supermodels.




Fuck man.... the old guard has attractive women by their sides.

Lets take a look at the new guard. By this I mean Philip and Elisha. The #1 and #4 draft picks that ended up switching. This might of also helped out the 'bolts a bit when they picked up Shawn and Nate in the subsequent drafts.

Using Wikepedia as a source, Elisha Manning... not gay. Who knew. Apparently he's been dating this broad for a couple of years. She's really not doing anything for his self confidence, because look at the kid. They look like they are still juniors at the fraternity date party.







But good for you Eli, because before this blog post, I was sure that you were gay.

Now onto people who probably surf the internet in womens underwear. Phillip Rivers. This jackass is married with three kids. Who knew. I sure didn't.

I can't find a picture of this biddy on the internets..... so I'm not going to make fun of her.

Things that I think will happen on this given Sunday

1)Eli will have boogers frozen to his lips and his mom will come out during halftime to wipe them away... all on t.v.
2)Al Harris will just destroy any hope that Plaxico has of being the superstar he should be but won't be because he's what my 3rd grade teacher called me "Talented but lazy"
3)Shawne Merriman will collect a bounty from Big Daddy Drew for Tom Brady's knees
4)L.T. will gain no more than 75 yards agains the pats. Lightning will be stopped by the stiffness of colonial america

5)I will spend the day enjoying my couch, my remote, and occasionally getting up to have explosive shits....

Mitchapalooza part two: The Rocket gets angry

Roger got pissed at the reporters. Like very pissed. Pissed like someone who was hiding something and was using anger to try and force his point. This is a common used technique. Its also a symptom of steroid abuse. That whole rage thing. Some of the "analysts"who are employed by espn actually had some good point(s). The first one, and probably the only one worth talking about was that Roger never asked the Bri-man to change his story in any way because if he did, it could be considered witness tampering. I'm not a legal expert and I don't claim to be. I once went to traffic court for the experience, but this made sense. Although I really don't see the Bri-man getting on the stand in defense of Roger, seeing as how Roger just sued his ass in civil court.

Lets take a look at Rogers stats.

-He was a force on the mound for 7-8 years in bean town. Then he kinda shit the bed and was traded to the Blue Jays.
-He was a Blue Jay for two years and was cash money.
-Then he became a Yankee. He played for five years and was a twenty game winner once, but was kinda eh....well in the post season. There was that game he pitched against Boston and was shelled.
-14 and 10 post season pitching record...I've seen better, but I've seen way worse. Considering the pressure and the fact that I couldn't do it. I'm just going to make generalizations that can't be argued due to the wiggle room in the statement..

I think he took the 'roids. Then again everyone in the 50's thru the 80's took greenies. I learned about it from Jim Bouton.

Roger did make a statement that he didn't care about the Hall of Fame. I think thats shit. I dreamed of being in the HOF when I was in T-Ball.

Bowlin'

Hawaii went bowling this weekend, and Colt Brennan wound up throwing a bunch of gutter balls. Get it? Yeah, fuck you too.

I missed out on the excitement of the Florida/Michigan game due to be extremely hungover from the previous nights festivities. And tired too. Pucking up 5 pounds of Goldfish crackers takes a lot out of you! However, I can say that Michigan's victory being a huge upset shows you just how far Lloyd Carr - and Michigan in general - has fallen over the course of this year.

Then came the Rose Bowl. Started off well, assuming you were a USC fan. The Illini were able to hang around for a quarter thanks to their defense, but Juice Williams just couldn't get anything going against the USC defense. In the end USC flexed their impressive offensive and defensive muscles and crushed the Illini, much like their namesake was once before.

And of course, there's Hawaii. SEC is better than the WAC. By a lot. That wasn't even close. The score was close at first, but you could tell Georgia was simply wearing down the Rainbow Warriors so they could dominate the second half. And that they did. Georgia didn't even need to blitz to get pressure on Colt Brennan, and when they did, it wasn't pretty. I'm guessing this game cost Colt Brennan a lot of money, as I seriously doubt he'll be drafted in the first round after this game. He'll be a steal for a good team in need of a solid back-up with a quick release though if he slips past the 3rd round.